living like whatever i want

we're the definition

2005-06-01T10:35:00.000-04:00

I can't believe it is June already.
I remember thinking I would be pregnant forever. I just couldn't wait for the weather to begin warming up. Now I feel like spring has come and gone so fast.

Julia is almost 3 months! My little baby.. It makes me so sad to think how short our days are together. I want her to stay like this forever! I sit with her and admire her tiny legs, fingers, arms.. everything. She's so precious. I don't ever want to go back to work or school. I just want to invest my entire life to making her happy.

I remember when I first met Joe. It feels like it was a lifetime ago. In reality, it hasn't been all that long.. Just about 15 months. I'm so in love with him. We both believe that there is no one out there who we would rather be with. It feels so great to be with someone and know exactly how they feel about me. I've been in relationships before and had no clue what the other person felt towards me. I know that Joe adores me for a list of reasons, good and bad. Even though he gets on my nerves sometimes, I couldn't ever imagine being without him. If there was such a thing as soulmates, I believe that Joe and I are exactly that.

"You're the only shoe that fits. I can't imagine I'll grow out of it."

see, I have this problem

2005-05-26T11:14:00.000-04:00

Last Saturday, my cousin and I took our little girls to a historic park for a little walk. When we got there, I realized I had actually been there before.

I went on a haunted tour in October 2003 with this guy I was seeing. At the time I was on a "drug hiatus," meaning it was a time in my life between 2 highly used drug periods. Lovely, yes I know. Anyway, the "hiatus" took a "hiatus" that night.. everyone that was there smoked their own joint. No problem, for everyone else. I was so high that I didn't even realize that the place we went was right down the road from my mom's house. Someone also should have let me know that the tour we were going on would be a quiet, walk-through, guided by a woman telling stories. QUIET being the key word. I've never had to work so hard at not laughing in someone's face. I have this problem when I smoke and haven't smoked in a while. Not only did I have to stay QUIET, I had to STAND STILL. Kev-o (the guy I was "seeing") was leaning on me. It felt like he was putting all his weight on me. I was pushing forward (I think) with my body. I WAS SO HIGH. I just remember how high I was.

Like I said, I have this "laughing in peoples' faces" problem when I'm high. At least when I'm high for the first time in a while. When you smoke regularly, you just get mellow each time you smoke.

Then there was the time I joined my cousin Sarah at a childhood friend's house. Sarah had only seen her a couple times since they were young. Her friend decided that we should make a visit to a couple of her friends' house. They lived on Torresdale Ave. right in the neighborhood where Joe grew up. I wouldn't be surprised if Joe knew these guys. Joe knows EVERYONE. We could go to Iowa and Joe would know someone. Anyway, when we got to these guys house, they were passing a couple blunts around. Same situation, I hadn't smoked in a while. My cousin Sarah, being a drug abuse councillor, naturally did not partake in the passing and sharing of the blunts. I however, DID. Now with 3 blunts being passed in one room, a contact high is inevitable. Inevitable for Sarah, that is. When we left, Sarah's friend D was too high to drive and asked Sarah to take over at the wheel. D was driving her boyfriend's car, a big mustang. Torresdale Ave. still has the cinder blocks as the roadway, making it an especially bumpy ride. The important thing here was that Sarah was driving at a top speed of 14 mph, making it HORRIBLE BUMPY. I still have the picture in my head: Sarah, behind the big wheel of this ORANGE mustang, barely seeing over the dash.. bumping down the road ever-so-slowly. I'm now just getting to the good part. It can be summed up into a few sentences..

Sarah and I decided to stop at a diner called Michael's, which we frequented. Our waitress was this big, robust black woman. She was probably attending school across the street at Arcadia U. I was still BLAAAZED. When she came over to take our order, I couldn't do anything but LAUGH, and i do need to emphasize LAUGH, in her face. RIGHT IN HER FACE. I can't even imagine what she was thinking. This little white girl LAUGHING IN HER FACE. All I could do was point to Sarah and hope that she knew what I wanted to order. Oh God, I just LAUGHED in her FACE. SO LOUD. And DIRECT. I hope she still talks about it to people..

returning

2005-05-24T11:26:00.000-04:00

It hath begun: I'm going back to Drexel University.

Well, I emailed the people to ask them how I can get back into the swing of things.
I hope I can go for free!!! Just kidding. But I do hope that I can still get financial aid if I only go part-time. We shall see.

I'm doing this for me. And my family. My family being Julia and Joe.
Oh yeah, and so I can say FUCK YOU to all those people that were heard saying, "what a shame, she had it so good. Going to drexel and all.." when they heard I was pregnant. FUCK ALL OF YOU and your NARROW MINDS. I'll graduate, YOU'LL ALL SEE. BITCHES.

But mostly, I'm doing this for me.

size: just a number, right?

2005-05-23T12:13:00.000-04:00

So what the fuck does pre-pregnancy weight mean? Cause I'm TOTALLY confused.

I reached my pre-pregnancy weight at about 6 weeks after having Julia. So how come my clothes don't fit? I've always been really athletic.. averaging about 150 lbs throughout my teen years. Playing sports made me muscular and seem heavier, all while I actually looked like I weighed about 120 lbs. Whatever.. this is irrelevant.

Is it because my boobs are 2 sizes bigger?

Did I lose all my muscle.. and turn into 150lbs. of fat?

I don't look bigger than I was before. Maybe a little extra tummy, bigger boobies, bigger ass, and definitely wider hips.. but I still look the same. How did I manage to jump from a size 5 to a size 11, and still look pretty much the same? I'm so confused..

Should the term be changed and correctly stated as "pre-pregnancy SIZE?" Or better yet.. PRE-PREGNANCY CLOTHING SIZE?

Oh yeah, and who said carrying a baby needed bigger feet? WHY DONT MY SHOES FIT ANYMORE? Did I need bigger feet to balance me out and help carry the big belly?

I do like my big boobies. So does J. They bounce around like crazy when we have sex. WOO WOO! I would have much more like firm bigger boobies. I miss my cute little athletic frame. Oh well, I love my baby more than being athletically toned and skinny.

And while I'm on the subject.. having a baby had an impact on sex for me. Its different now. I feel like a mom. It sounds crazy.. but I don't feel like that crazy, careless, Laura anymore. Its not a bad thing.. and it doesnt mean our sex is bad (TOTALLY THE OPPOSITE).. I dont know. Maybe other young unmarried mommies can relate to me? Who knows..

this life game

2005-05-22T13:30:00.000-04:00

i'm trying to figure out when i'll actually understand the things that people do.

my mom, for one. drinking is her favorite thing to do.. and dont get me wrong, i'm not downing the drinking.. i'm downing the fact that she barely ever goes to work anymore. Oh, and lets not forget to mention her insane alcoholism. shes on blood pressure medicine and xanex. youre not supposed to drink while on either of those. its one thing to take a couple xanex one night when youre out with your friends and do a little drinking, but you cannot practice this habit while taking a xanex prescription and working with being an alcoholic. she makes me so mad, only because i remember how great she used to be. i used to look at my mom and want to be just like her as a mother. she was always so fresh and pretty - and although she had the occasional bitchy moment, she was always the one to go to with a problem. she used to be a great mother. i dont know what she is now.

i ask her and ask her not to SMOKE around my 2 month old baby.. but yet, i still catch her doing it. her excuse being, "i did it with you guys and you all turned out fine." you're right mom.. but youre not the mom anymore. this is MY baby, and we're doing it my way.

i havent even mentioned the gossip yet. she doesnt like J. she never likes any guys. well, she says she doesnt like them, only to make you think otherwiise. she hates j, but she was caught grabbing his ass repeatedly last summer. yes, my mother. she talks so much shit to EVERYONE.. and each person gets something just a little scewed from the former. My Aunt, cousin, Dad, brothers.. its always the same bullshit baby gossip game. Is this the way it is going to be when my Julia gets older? I pray to God that I dont end up like my mother.
i guess i should say actually, i pray to God that i end up like my mother when she was still a mother.. minus all the shitty qualities and habits she has now.
Amen.

and i dont mean the kind that eats a lot.

2005-05-19T11:09:00.000-04:00

so i'm sure that everyone, including her parents, would agree that britney is a pig.

why go on national television to talk about sex with the person you supposedly "love so much?" its my understanding that when you love someone "so much," having sex with them is so awesome that you dont need to BOAST and BRAG about it. trying to make up for something, britney?

yeah, anyway. she's a fucking pig.
the worst line was, "how about we just stay home and **** all day." wow, what could she have possibly said? i think this show will be good for all those young girls that model themselves around britney. those girls that kill themselves trying to look and act like her. FINALLY, they'll SEE - SHE REALLY IS WHITE TRASH! Alas!

and the award goes to..

2005-04-27T11:32:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, Julia and I joined my "crazy Aunt" for a little lunch. Julia slept through the entire thing, which is unusual. Anyway.. it was nice and I loved eating the shrimp on horseback and eggs benedict. Oh yes, a good lunch by all means.

So last night i talked to my mom, the "crazy sister" of the "crazy aunt nancy." I really thought my mom would spend a lot more time with the baby and me. She has barely been here. A couple times here and there. She hasn't invited us up to see her. I actually have suggested it more than once. SHOT DOWN. What the fuck? I think it's funny how much shit she talked about my "crazy aunt nancy" and her being a "poser good grandma." Well what the fuck there, ma? My mom preached so much about how she was such a better mommy than her sister and how could her sister possibly be such a great grandma? Well, uhm.. guess what mom? YOU SUCK AT BEING A GRANDMA.

When I talked to her last night, she mentioned that she would have today off. Okay.. "hey mom, how about Julia and I take a ride up and spend the day with you tomorrow?" says me. To which "grandma of the year" hesitantly responds, "eeeh.. well.. ehhh... i have a couple things going on tomorrow. tomorrow isn't good for me." Guess what? Julia will only be this little ONCE.. I WON'T BE THE ONE MISSING IT.

At the end of the conversation I JUST HAD TO THROW IN.. "Oh Yeah, by the way.. Julia and I went out to lunch with Aunt Nancy today."

Oh my baby

2005-04-22T12:14:00.000-04:00

Ah, mommyhood. Such an awesome, awesome thing.

Julia is getting so big. The days are rolling by so fast! Every week seems to fly by faster and faster. I can't get enough of her.. every little movement and noise makes me absolutely melt inside! Every time she makes a noise, I poke J and say, "OHHH MY GODDD, did you hear that?" Then he just looks at me and i know he's thinking, "yeah, i heard it the first time. big deal." Dads just don't get it like moms.

Everyone keeps asking me what my plans are. Well honestly, right now.. my plans are to stay home with my baby as long as i possibly can. No one said I HAD TO GO BACK! (i thought thats what i have J for?)

the love of it all..

2005-04-05T19:32:00.000-04:00

I went into labor on March 15 at about 4:30. I broke my water.. those damn pregnancy books don't tell you that pushing too hard trying to poop can pop your bag of waters. Hah.. it all worked out for the best, anyway. Here I am with a 3-week-old baby girl, when I should really only have a 1-week-old baby girl. She came about 2 weeks early. Just perfect timing in my book!

She was born on March 16 at 2:16am.. 7lbs and 1 oz of the most gorgeous baby I've ever seen. I know every mother and father say that, but this time.. its TRUE. All 19.5 inches of her. I can't believe how much I love this little person.. this little Julia Marie. My entire life is now devoted to making her happy and taking care of her. I couldn't imagine ever letting anything happen to her.. this mommy thing is really cool. I was even in a panic when they took her away to the nursery! I never want to go back to work.. and it makes me sad thinking that this time I get to spend all alone, all day, with her.. isn't going to last forever. I've already cried to J because she is getting so big.. and I know how fast she will get so much bigger! I wish this could last forever..

Now I know why both of my grandmothers had 7 babies each. J and I have a long life ahead of us.. filled with many babies.. I'm just too in LOVE..

March Showers.. April BABIES!!

2005-03-09T17:13:00.000-05:00

This past Sunday was my baby shower. I got so many wonderfully perfect things for my baby girl. I was feeling overwhelmed before, but now I am feeling a lot more relaxed. My dad took the initiative this past Saturday to help me with clearing out my room - somewhat. The little bit that he did help me with was just enough to get me started. The room is finished now, thanks to mom. Mom being me. J helped a little bit. I'm not going to complain.. only because I become very frustrated when someone tries to help me. I like to work alone. When J did help me, he didn't want to listen to how I wanted things done - and that made me furious. I like to be organized - he likes to be fast.

Anyway, I'm so thankful to everyone that was there this past Sunday and for everything they gave us. 3 more weeks till D-day.

People have told me that the last month is the longest.. this month is FLYING by!

my insurance vote

2005-03-05T11:53:00.000-05:00

I have an idea. Everyone knows how Health Insurance works. Its basically there when you need it.. if you get sick, if you need medicine.. its right there waiting to help you pay.
Soooo.. why does Auto Insurance have to be so goddamn different? I vote that Auto Insurance should work at the same rate as Health Insurance. If your car needs to be fixed.. key word NEEDS.. then Auto Insurance should be right there helping to pay. Why the fuck do GOOD DRIVERS need it anyway? The only damn time it is useful is when you get into an accident. Why the hell should we GOOD DRIVERS pay all this money for nothing?

Auto Insurance is to car as
Health Insurance is to people.
And WHY THE FUCK NOT?

Questionairre

2005-03-02T18:41:00.000-05:00

1. Did I spell that right?

2. Have you ever been pregnant? If yes, continue. If no.. Have you ever been premenstrual?

3. Did you ever feel the insatiable urge to fucking rip someone's head off for no apparent reason?

Then you know how I feel right NOW. And I cannot figure out why.

tid bits

2005-03-02T17:59:00.000-05:00

okay, so it's March. Baby month. March better be baby month.. and I'm not kidding.

My dad told me I can have his room. The entire room. That he sleeps in. Okay.. so I guess I'm feeling a little bit better about the whole "where are we going to put her?" thing. I declined my Dad's offer. I feel like I'm intruding enough.. I don't need to kick him out of his bedroom. We'll be fine in my small little room.. it might be small, but it will be small and cozy. Because I'm mom now and I said so.

Yes, I finally made it over to see my cousin. I had such a good time being away from J. That sounds horrible.. but the only time I get away from him is when I'm working. He gets his time to do whatever he wants while I'm at work. I never get the "do whatever you want" time. I really had a good time. I hope my baby is as happy as Olivia. Hanging around with Sarah and the baby just made me so much more excited.

Work is so fucking boring.
And now I have HEARTBURN.

the final stretch

2005-02-25T12:49:00.000-05:00

Down to the last month. Up until this point I haven't had too much to complain about. Today I'm feeling especially tired and worn out. I'm not going to completely blame the baby for this, since my dog had me awake at 5am to let her out. Then she wanted to lie outside of my dad's bedroom and scratch on his door, one paw every 5 minutes, just to keep me from dozing back to sleep.

My cousin hates me. She's got to. Yes - you, Sarah. I keep telling you that I will come over and visit with you and Olivia and then I never follow through. Yesterday I went to traffic court. No more warrants for Laura. Oh shit, I was in trouble once in my life! I really do want to come over and spend time with you and your baby, I do so bad! I just keep having stupid shit interfere. DAMMIT, why do you have to live so far? I know you hear this often.. but I'm going to try and come over tomorrow. Okay?

My baby gets hiccups ALL THE TIME. A couple times a day. God help me.
I think I'm going to lay down for a minute. I'm really tired here..

im feeling overwhelmed here.

2005-02-20T16:01:00.000-05:00

im feeling incredibly overwhelmed lately.

Who knows when the baby will be here. It could be any day now! It could be 6 weeks. I feel like it is coming sooner than later. I think she is going to grace us with her presence about 2 weeks earlier than expected.

Where are we going to put her? Where do I have room for all of her things? When am I going to have everything? Will I ever get ANYTHING? I'm feeling overwhelmed, like I said already. I know I'm having a baby shower. I don't know when. I know I'll have everything I need.. but its still scary.
Living with Dad makes me feel uneasy. Why should he have to be woken up in the middle of the night by a crying baby? I feel like I need to run out of my house and not come back. Especially not with a baby. Even though he assures me its fine and we can stay as long as we want, I know I SHOULD NOT be here. We have an extra room that would be perfect for the baby.. but I feel like its my Dad's house and I am asking too much by needing another room. The baby will barely fit in my room. Plus I feel like I have to do everything myself. J isn't worried about where the baby will be. Why isn't he? Why can't he just talk to my Dad and make sure that she'll have enough space for her things?

IM FEELING OVERWHELMED HERE.

spread em

2005-02-18T18:14:00.000-05:00

FINALLY.. the days of opening have begun. All those past prego's know what I mean when I say I was "leaking" some type of clear jelly this morning. So naturally, I called the Doc. They brought me right into the office this afternoon. Clear jelly is good jelly.. anything like strawberry jelly or colored jelly is no good. The even better knews is that I am well on my way to the goal dialation of 10 big boys. Ha - 1 cm. makes me happy, even if I know it can last for a month! It's better than none, right? RIGHT.

oh, sick.

2005-02-17T10:51:00.000-05:00

I've been hearing about all these different types of illnesses going around. About 2 weeks ago I was sick with the scratchy throat, nasal congestion, and ear ache sickness. I kept hearing about how many people have gotten the flu and how horrible it is this year. I just kept telling myself that I didn't want to get the flu..

I also heard about the stomach bug that a lot of people have been catching. Definitely did not want to get that one.

Of course, late Monday night, I woke up with the queesiest stomach EVER. Occasionally, I'll wake up in the middle of the night with heartburn and a slight tummy ache, but nothing quite like Monday night. After I'd thrown up and had diarrhea A LOT.. I knew it was that fucking stomach bug. Well, first I thought I had food poisoning. Either way, it was NOT pretty.

I have 6 weeks to go until I'm due to have the baby.. and PLEASE GOD, NO MORE SICKNESS! I know that once I have the baby I'll be in the clear.. breastfeeding mommies have incredible immune systems. But for now, lets keep the germs away!

IT IS NO PICNIC THROWING UP. IT IS AN EVEN DARKER PICNIC THROWING UP WHILE 8 MONTHS PREGNANT, WITH A 5 LB. BABY SQUIRMING AROUND AGAINST YOUR ACHING, FRAGILE STOMACH.

the bet

2005-02-15T17:45:00.000-05:00

So J and I have a bet going. A baby bet. I'm sure many people get into these types of bets.. but this is a mommy/daddy bet. J and his brother and sister were all 10 lb. babies. I was an average 8lb. area baby - along with my 2 brothers. My dad was a 10 pounder. (HIS KIDS WERE ALL AVERAGE BABIES.) J insists that our baby girl will be a hefty 10 lbs. No - God knows that my vagina and I will not allow a 10 lb. object to come out of us. I understand that if it needs to be, it obviously WILL.. but we're shootin for an average size baby! (We being my vagina and I.) We'll see.. but I think I'm going to win this one. I'm always right when it comes to J and I. ALWAYS.

the reality.

2005-02-07T13:22:00.000-05:00

I would like to first of all, clear things up for everyone.
THE NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS DID NOT BEAT THE PHILADELPHIA EAGLES.
THE PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (Donovan McNabb) gave it to them.

It's sad really. I know there is always next year. But there is so much more to be sad about right now. What the fuck am I supposed to do for the next 7-8 months? I no longer have something steady to look forward to every weekend. Yes, I will be having a baby next month. But that doesn't mean the Eagles aren't important anymore!

Philadelphia fans deserved a win yesterday so much more than those Bostonians. They cried enough when the Red Sox didn't win for all those years. Okay, so at least they know how it feels.. SOMEWHAT. There is no other city in this country.. no other sport.. that has such avid and committed followers as does Philadelphia and the Eagles. Come on, who wouldn't agree with me on this one? Did you watch the SuperBowl? Did you hear the crowd? What team gets booed at the fucking Superbowl so loudly that it sounds like the game is being played at the opposing team's home city? Tens of thousands of Eagles fans trucked down to Jacksonville in honor of those Eagles. TENS OF THOUSANDS. Thats a long way for TENS OF THOUSANDS of fans to go.

I know, I know.. I'm just bitter.
It just makes it hurt so much worse knowing that WE COULD HAVE won.. if we would have played the way we started the game. McNabb's head was definitely in the clouds yesterday.. he was scared out of his mind. The coaches did a shitty job, also. What was the deal with the clock management in the last five minutes of the last quarter? Okay, so let's let the clock run down to 2:00 before we decide to make an actual play and score a touchdown. So much wasted time. So much confusion for Laura! Okay.. I'll just stop now. I'm pissed, along with everyone else in Philly. I'm allowed to bitch.

This wasn't our year.
We'll be back next year.
They just wanted to wait until I had the baby.. so I could party the way you're supposed to when the EAGLES win the SuperBowl.. I'm lining babysitters up now..

drama school

2005-02-06T11:30:00.000-05:00

EAGLES play in the SuperBowl today. Wait.. sorry. I meant.. EAGLES win in the SuperBowl today.

I never knew how much bullshit was involved with planning a baby shower. Bullshit being the petty differences between the guests on the list. Take for instance, my Uncle's ex-wife and his new girlfriend. Now, I'm particularly close to his girlfriend - we worked together and her daughter is exactly 1 year younger than I, born on the same date. My mom asked me, "Is this going to be a problem?" I promptly responded, telling her that "basically, people are going to have get over their problems. Its a shower for me." There is another duo that will be invited that will most definitely be itching over the presence of one another. My cousin and best friend. I'm sorry people, but not my fucking problem. You're going to the baby shower FOR ME.. deal with your differences. For real. I want both of them there.. I should NOT have to choose. Hopefully people will be mature enough to realize this. Petty fucking bullshit drama pisses me off.

everything growing

2005-02-03T10:09:00.000-05:00

Today I'm officially 32 weeks. DAMN. And here I was complaining that this was lasting FOREVER and that it would never be over and that it was going nowhere..

2 more months and to be honest, i really don't think i can wait that long. we're just going to have to do something about this..

lets not forgot to mention the excitement. its this awkwardly placed type of excitement. i'm so excited to meet my baby, but on the other hand there are all these other mixed emotions about the delivery and the parenting.. so many changes. the excitement definitely outweighs the competition. i love being able to feel my baby moving inside of me, but i'm ready to NOT be pregnant anymore. i want to be able to show her off to everyone. i want to be able to hold her and love her, and have her reach out for me and look up at me. thats where the real excitement lies..

plus, i wanna see who she looks like more.. me or daddy..

my angel

2005-01-22T17:41:00.000-05:00

J is here with me. He called me last night OUT OF NOWHERE to go pick him up. It was so "all-of-the-sudden" and random that I wondered if he broke out of jail! Surely enough, they released him. It was a feeling that I will never be able to explain to anyone. I knew that pregnant little me would have a really hard time dealing with all that excitement. I was shaking.. and trying very hard to keep control of myself. Everything is looking up.. I'm so happy..

The Battle of the Birds

2005-01-21T13:58:00.000-05:00

It all comes down to THIS SUNDAY. Dear Lord, I can't take another loss - nor can any other die-hard Eagle fan. We are 5 points favored over the Atlanta Falcons. Again I ask, Dear Jesus, please. WE ARE SO CAPABLE THIS YEAR. Not like that mattered any other year. McNabb is totally playing to his ability - well, he at least demonstrated this last week. Our defense played awesomely last week - let's keep that up! However, I can't help but be a little nervous.. this HAS happened before.. it HAS been ripped out from under us like the magic table cloth trick.

A possible 12 inches of snow for Philadelphia? We all know how accurate the meteorologists are.. please let the snow end before the start of the game. Although it would put a huge damper on the skills of Atlanta, it would also prevent the Eagles from playing to their ability. Holy shit. I hope the meteorologist that told my dad it would end around 1:00p Sunday afternoon is ACCURATE. If not and it goes longer, I'm gonna be fucking heated - along with thousands of other Eagles fans. I just hope the advantage works for us like its supposed to!

now i know why i've never been in trouble.

2005-01-21T10:48:00.000-05:00

Last night I experienced one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I guess it's about time to elaborate on whats going on with J. Basically, he's in jail. It sounds worse than it is, seeing as how he is my boyfriend and the father of my baby. He is on probation in Philly and he was in violation of it. He wanted to take care of it before the baby comes. Responsible enough, right? To a certain degree - it should have never been let go to the point of where it got to this - but it did, and he took responsibility. Thats why I thought we were going to need a lawyer. J and I thought it was much worse than its actually turning out to be. At this point, we're just waiting for the fucking SLOW ASS SYSTEM to process his shit, and as soon as that is done, he'll be coming home. He's been there for almost 2 weeks. The longest 2 weeks of both mine and his lives.

Last night he finally got transferred into an actual "community jail." He wasn't in quarantine anymore, which basically meant I could go visit him. This isn't something I've ever had to do before, so I was nervous as all hell. My excitement to see him after not seeing him for 2 weeks was far greater than the nervousness, so it was okay. We thought he would be released yesterday, so when I didn't hear from him ALL DAY, I was shitting myself. My nerves were going crazy, which definitely is not good for a 6.5 month pregnant girl. None of this is, obviously. So I got a phone call from a weird number around 3:30. I was kinda hoping somehow J was out and calling me from somewhere, but it turned out to be some girl. She was fucking gangster. HAHA. FA REAL. She told me that her boyfriend asked her to call me because my boyfriend's phone calls got fucked up and he couldn't call me. He wanted me to go see him last night. OKAY. Good enough for me!

I knew that he had been transferred, since I was allowed to see him. But I didn't know where. I called the gangster back and asked her. She told me. Okay, a little help, but not much. I've never ever had to do anything like that before. Being the nerd that I am, and knowing how much information the internet holds, I went online and looked up the place he was at. I wanted to make sure my ass was in check before I went. I checked the dress code and everything, and thought I was all ready - in my mind.

I headed down to see my baby. Got there and still wasn't sure where to go. I looked like an asshole driving slow through the icy parking lot trying to read the signs. I missed the visitor parking lot, so I had to turn around in the middle of the fucking lot, with a damn cop watching me. Lovely. Let's just arrest me. Maybe I'll get to see my boyfriend that way! Anyway, I parked, got my shit together, and pretended to knowingly walk in the direction of where I thought I was supposed to be going. Well, I was right. I headed in the front door of the place that I remembered from being pictured online. GOD BLESS THE INTERNET!

I basically walked in and stood there, assuming the cop behind the little desk would tell me what to do - NICELY. (I'm not a fucking prisoner, I don't deserve to be treated rudely, you asshole cop!) He was an asshole. I signed in and everything. Then he told me to go sit in some room and wait. The room was full of people - but they were mostly hispanic and black. I was the only white girl in that damn room. What the fuck? White people suck too, I guess their family just doesn't love them the way black and hispanics' families love their inmates. This muffled voice kept coming over a loud speaker announcing numbers - numbers that appeared on the slip of paper I was holding. Mine read "70." I guess that was my "Okay" to see my boyfriend. I couldn't help but read all the signs posted on the walls - one particularly DISTURBED me. It read, "PRISONER AND VISITOR MAY EMBRACE ONLY AT BEGINNING OF SESSION AND END." Oh, so now I can't even touch my boyfriend. What the fuck man, I was not liking this.

I checked in at 4:20 (my nigga! - haha) and waited about 25 minutes in that sweltering hot room with all those people for them to call my name. They called it and I walked through the doors that everyone else was walking through.. out of the building.. (hoping I was going the right way).. and into another building. This place needs some fucking order. Not everyone frequents the jail visitation center.. not everyone knows where they're going! I entered another building and was stopped by an older female cop. She looked like she could be my grandmom. She was definitely someone's grandma. Anyway, she took me behind a curtain and thoroughly searched me. Felt everywhere and looked everywhere. I even had to pull my shirt up and shake my bra out. Granny just wanted to see my big pregnant boobies. After the check, I walked through a locked gate into a room. I walked in and J was sitting in a chair.

He looked like a different person. He looked horrible. Fucking miserable. I walked over to him and we took advantage of Embrace #1. (MOTHERFUCKERS.) It was horrible to have to sit there next to someone you love so much and be afraid to touch them or get too close. I wanted J to feel the baby and how big she had gotten, so stupid me pulls my shirt up a little and puts his hand on my tummy. BIG NO NO. The guard yelled at us and told us we had to sit in the front of the room so he could watch us. MOTHERFUCKER. ITS HIS BABY! TELL ME HE'S NOT ALLOWED TO TOUCH IT! After that, we were pretty much scared to breathe too heavily. I hated every minute of it. I asked J if I could lean my head on his shoulder and he said, "No. You can leave here, I'll get yelled at when you leave." What the fuck, man? Definitely was not liking any of it. When I first walked up to him his eyes were filling up with tears. Another BIG NO NO for white male to show tears while in jail. (hahahahaha). He immediately told me he missed me, which is BIG NO NO #3. That just set me off. I was trying to hold back the tears. Everyone else in the room was looking pretty happy. Then you have J and I sitting there staring at eachother crying. I'm pregnant people, give me a fucking break! After a couple minutes it got better. We were talking and things felt a little better. All I wanted was for J to feel the baby, but DAMN THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS! Well, actually - thats not ALL I WANTED TO DO. The list would include pulling out a gun (if i had one?) and busting his ass outta there, not to mention climbing on top of him and ripping his prison clothes off and just having my way with him - NOT THE GUARDS' WAY! Yeah, but that didn't happen.

Its really hard getting only a half hour with someone you're used to spending the entire day with. Sure enough, the end came, and we got to take advantage of Embrace #2. We kissed eachother - and J even snuck in another kiss!!! - and we said goodbye. It was good to see him, but at the same time horrible. He is miserable and this needs to be over. I hope he learned his lesson. I thank God every chance I get for everything turning out the way it has. Things could be so much worse and I'm so thankful for the things I do have. J needs to be here for me and the baby. I miss him..

As far as the whole prison thing, I thought it was going to be much worse. I thought I would be writing him letters everyday and never get to talk to him. I thought that when I did get to visit him, it would behind a glass window, talking through a receiver. J calls me every day. We talk for 10 minutes. Hey, its better than nothing. You really learn how to talk about the important things when you only have 10 minutes with someone. I get to see him for an hour each week. I've only had to go once, and it might stay that way. But either way, I only knew what I had seen in the movies. Fucking movies, you just can't believe em. Anyway, I need this all to be over..

oh great, frosty, white flakes

2005-01-19T23:51:00.000-05:00

These pregnancy books cover just about everything - but ALAS! I have found something that isn't covered..

CAN I GO SLEDDING? And if I can.. what type of sled is the safest.. oh, and what angle of incline is best recommended?

Okay, fine. I'll wait till next year. Its just that first snow of the winter that makes me want to run home, suit up, and head out for a night of sledding. Damn. Next year I'll need to find a babysitter. Alright, sledding might be postponed for a couple years.

Snoop Dizzle, the Toasty Kitty

2005-01-18T13:44:00.000-05:00

My cat loves to sleep under my bed. The reason for this being that the heating vent sends the hot air right under my bed, where my bed then traps it like a little oven. He loves it. So he sleeps at the foot of my bed, nestled all warm under there. Every once in a while, it must get a little too toasty, so he'll drag his body out using his front paws and then sprawl across my floor - almost like someone crawling through the desert. The only movement comes from his front paws, while the rest of his body is lifeless behind him. What a lazy ass cat.

game recap

2005-01-17T11:24:00.000-05:00

So like I said, have a little faith in the boys. Last night, as most would agree, the EAGLES kicked some Viking ass. It was one of the best defensive performances I think I've seen from them all year. Jeremiah Trotter tore it up. Brian Westbrook was hot in the first quarter, especially. Don't even get me started on Freddie Mitchell. McNabb had an awesome game, too. Anyway, you can read all about it here. (only because I know you want to, so very badly.

Don't you just hate people that judge others, especially when they're just as (or more) fucked up than the people they're judging? Like let's take for instance, my best friend's parents. They're such assholes. They need to know everything and they feel as though they need to express their views on everything. They have so many opinions on how everyone else's decisions suck so badly, but yet they're not fucking perfect. I know there are so many people in this world like this, but they're especially horrible.
I'm particularly pissed off this morning because last night I happened to be on the phone with Beth, my closest friend. Her Aunt was bitching at her telling her how bad of a mother she is.. hah.. don't even get me started on that one. Her Aunt is a crackhead, like literally. She fucking also used to be a prostitute when her son was younger. But you know, Beth is a bad mom.
Anyway, irrelevant. While I was talking to Beth on the phone, she was getting comments thrown at her from her bitch mom. Beth made a comment along the lines of how smart she is - she being herself. I promptly agreed, and said I'm definitely right there with her on the intelligence, which Beth then repeated to her mom. Then her fucking mom had to shoot a comment back. It went like this, "Oh yeeeaaah, because I want to be like Laura." Dude, fucking bitch. Do we need to hear the definition of jealousy? Just because your husband works over an hour away from where you live and doesn't come home until 11p half of the week, doesn't mean you have to be an asshole to me. Just because you're jealous that I have my whole life ahead of me and you're stuck in the house leeching onto a company to receive workman's comp checks every month.. DOES NOT MEAN YOU SHOULD TALK DOWN TO ME. (and do I dare mention the fact that I share the EXACT SAME injury that is keeping her out of work - but I still work, right? - and don't need to pop Vicodin and Morphine every day.) The decisions I've made in my life are MINE. I made them. I'm happy with them. They might not have been the best decisions, but guess what? People learn from bad decisions and it makes them a better person. My life might be a little bit more difficult now, but I have no regrets or complaints with my life. Fuck you bitch, and your judgemental fucking way of living.

oh great, therapeutic blog.

eat my bird.

2005-01-16T13:39:00.000-05:00

EAGLES playoff time.. almost.. almost being like 15 minutes. How come all I keep hearing about is how we have little-to-no chance without T.O. playing? What the fuck? Does anyone remember the past 3 years? A large reason as to why we sucked so bad last year in the playoffs was because we lost Brian Westbrook. Fuck all those anouncer people that like to talk about us being nothing without T.O. I'm not going to say he wouldn't help.. A LOT.. but come on, have some faith in the boys!

a lawyer

2005-01-15T14:39:00.000-05:00

how do you get a lawyer? and more importantly, how do you get a lawyer if you dont have any fucking money? p.s. certain cousins of mine really shouldnt discuss anything they read here with my mom or ANYONE. thanks.

dark days

2005-01-12T13:02:00.000-05:00

I'm going through something right now that is probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through. The baby is fine. Nothing to do with the baby. More to do with J. I don't even want to talk about it.. its one of those things where I just want to be by myself ALL THE TIME. I don't really have much to say about the whole thing..

trimester three

2005-01-07T11:11:00.000-05:00

every day she keeps me guessing. i've just started my third trimester. i know i could ever get tired of feeling this little baby squirm and move inside of me. sometimes i just sit with my hand on my belly and wait for her to slide her little limbs across - what an amazing thing. the slides are my favorite, not the kicks - i dont think i should be punished for taking a deep breath with a fierce blow to the ribs.. still, every little movement keeps me waiting for the next one..

do what i can

2005-01-05T13:20:00.000-05:00

it's so hard to watch the news anymore. what the fuck is going on with this world?

J and I will be donating money - as much as we can - even if it isn't as much as i would like to be able to give. every little bit counts, right? we just sit and stare at the tv every night listening to the horror stories coming from the survivors and the families of the missing. i can't even begin to fathom how it must feel to be in a situation anywhere similar to that. i think it's time for people to start being thankful for what they have - not griping over what they don't have or want.

to all the people and families suffering through this horrible tragedy, you are in my thoughts and prayers. GOD BLESS.

"there's no joy without the pain, it's the pain that makes us strong. but sometimes it's just so hard to carry on.." sf

what a year..

2005-01-03T11:37:00.000-05:00

with the new year and all.. i think its only necessary to ask yourself that question.. if you could do it all over again, would you change it? and what would you change?

i guess its so easy to ask that question after everything is said and done. i'm sure most people wish they could change a lot while looking retrospectively..

im thinking a smart way to live is to go with the belief that you can't change anything in the past. how much easier is it to say coulda, shoulda, woulda.. post facto. everything happens for a reason, right? i know some people don't believe that shit - but I DO. once in a while you find yourself in one of those "holy-shit situations." after something happens, you can't help but think, "holy shit, did that really just happen?"

this past year brought so much change to my life and the people around me.
In January Tyler Joseph was born - January 27, 2004 - to my best friend, Beth.
In March I met Joe, the awesomest boyfriend in the world.. and I became a Godmother.
In July I found out that I was going to have a baby.. wow.
In November my cousin Sarah gave birth to her baby, Olivia Ruth.
This was my pregnant year - I'll have my baby in the end of March, which means the majority of my pregnancy was spent in 2004. I felt my baby kick and move for the first time. I got to share that with Joe and the people I love..

I'm sure there is a lot more that has happened to me that was significant this past year - so I just have so much more to be thankful for. I also have to be thankful that this coming year will be the best yet..

happy 2005

2005-01-01T18:52:00.000-05:00

no past-year tributes to anything. i'll concentrate on the year-to-come..

this will be a big year for me - the biggest yet. i'm going to have a baby.. i think that is plenty to make a year worth something.

like the scene from alien

2004-12-27T11:13:00.000-05:00

The baby was awkwardly protruding from my stomach the other night. J was in complete shock. This isnt the first time the baby has been laying in such a position that would cause her to be STICKING OUT of my belly - but it was the first time J payed attention to it. Something that is considered normal and of course, awesome, J though was insane and wrong. "Is everything okay?.. Are you sure?.. Is that normal?.. Oh my God, is she okay?" Just some of the questions I was hammered with. Well, now that the pregnancy actually seems "real" to him (only took 6 months!!), I guess I can be expecting some extra special treatment - right? He felt the little lump in the belly and was so incredibly shocked to be feeling his baby - or what he described as her skull. He described it to John - B's boyfriend - by saying "I ACTUALLY FELT HER SKELETON!" Oh man, if J only knew..

why can't men get pregnant!? I think God made the right decision in making women the childbearers - therefore sparing women from the escalated bitching, and crying, and complaining that would accompany a man's pregnancy.

I'm still trying to figure out what the fuck is wrong with the world? WHY.. TELL ME WHY.. DID SOMEONE HAVE TO SMASH MY CAR RADIO? I can't figure out if I should be happy that the car door was left unlocked by SOMEONE (no names, J) - because if it wasn't unlocked, I would be buying another window. I'm sure the person would have smashed my window (AGAIN!) to get to the radio. So in reality, I guess I should be happy that I only have to buy a new radio - and not a new radio AND another new window. But tell me please, why the fuck they had to smash the face-plate when they realized how fucking stupid they were when they couldnt get the system out of the console? JUST TO BE A FUCKING ASSHOLE? They couldnt have my radio, so neither could I? People are just fucked up, dude.

it was such a merry christmas.

so who can guess what my plans are for today? new fucking radio day. DAMMIT.

Luck O' the Philly

2004-12-22T11:35:00.000-05:00

where to begin.

EAGLES. Why does it always have to happen to us? Not that we can't make it without T.O., but what the fuck man? Why does it always have to happen like this. Last year we lost Westbrook around this time. Thats probably the only reason we didnt make it to the Superbowl. We played like shit - and he would have helped so much. I think we can do it this year - but having T.O. would have locked it into a definite. Now I'm stuck saying, "I think we can do it.."

The weeks are rolling by now. And that means the months are flying by, too. I'm just about to start my seventh month. (I'm 26 weeks.) Thats some crazy fast pregnancy stuff. Last night I had a horrible dream about the baby. Not particularly the baby, but the whole birth part. For some reason I was bleeding really bad when I went into labor. It wasn't normal. So they were doing all this weird stuff to me and wouldn't tell me if anything was wrong. Then all of the sudden I had the baby, but it was an entire month early. I had her on March 3 - which is when a friend of mine had his baby - who ended up not making it. I just remember my baby being very small in the dream. It wasn't a good dream. But I'm sure every expecting mommy has those dreams that really fuck with your sanity. Its not like I can avoid giving birth. So why the fuck can't I avoid the dreams????!

Did I happen to mention that I haven't started any Christmas shopping yet? Well, I haven't. Its okay though - I only have a handful of people to buy for. This shouldnt be too difficult, right?

o-no o zone

2004-12-09T13:21:00.000-05:00

i remember when life was fucking fun. im not saying there isnt things in my life now that are awesome - im saying that i remember when it was fun - ALL THE TIME. the only thing i had to worry about was when and where i was going to party next. i miss hanging out with my cousin S and getting drunk. we used to have so much fun. now i barely see her. now we both have kids - except mine isnt born yet. i know things arent so bad and they could be worse, but i like to remember when things were so carefree.

christmas is coming so fast. almost 2 weeks away. i cant believe it! that just means that im getting closer and closer to meeting my baby..

nothing else going on really. its been really warm in philly the past few days. odd for december. yesterday it was too warm out for december. how come it hasn't snowed yet? i would like to have a winter this year. fucking ozone layer..

and by the way - i'm 24 weeks along now.

what a bitch

2004-12-02T11:56:00.000-05:00

i seem to be increasing by the day - in size.

my cousin S had her baby this past weekend. a BEEEAAAUUUTIFUL little girl. i havent seen her yet, but i know she's beautiful. i'm going to go see her today. ooooh newborns are so much fun. it will be like tasting what is in store for me..

how about them EAGLES? if you dont know that i'm a very large EAGLES fan, then you don't know anything. i'm like a man when it comes to the birds. oh yes, what a fucking year!

nothing else too exciting going on right now. getting ready for christmas. i wish i would have found another job sooner than now. im showing a lot and it will probably be incredibly hard for someone to hire me.. shit. christmas is coming. my aunt (aka my boss) really fucked me bad. what a bitch.

oh, the days..

2004-11-24T13:38:00.000-05:00

remember the days when i would write a lot? a whole lot. what the fuck happened? did i become boring? or do i simply need lots of eventful drama going on to be able to write for a lengthy amount of time? either way, it doesnt matter. now i'm reduced to writing about 'not being able to write' just to fill the space. haha. what the fuck? tomorrow is thanksgiving. and let me tell you - i havent been this excited about a holiday IN A LONG TIME. i cant wait to eat. eat REAL food! when you live with your dad you dont exactly get to eat real food too often. dont get me wrong, dad cooks - dad just doesnt cook the things that moms cook. wait.. i think im going to be a mom soon. oh shit, i need to learn how to cook turkeys and chicken and stuff. oh dammit. i think im done for now.. HOLY SHITFUCK!! i just rememebered!!! i forgot to pee!! when youre pregnant you have to take your pee with you to every doctor's appt. and holy fuck, you have to pee the first pee of the morning in the little cup, and I FORGOT!! damn.. i suck

i love sex so much

2004-11-22T23:39:00.000-05:00

i am so glad i wasn't cursed with a lost libido as a result of pregnancy. all i can ever think about is sex.

SEX.
and more SEX.

and when it happens its SO AWESOME. its like the best thing ever to me. so much more fun than before. a couple months ago a friend of mine told J that "there is no pussy like pregnant pussy," and aint it the fucking truth. well, i guess for those of us who get the increase in sex drive - as opposed to the lack thereof. pregnancy made me one horny, freaky, little girl. well, even more so..

girl boy boy girl girl girl boy boy, whatever

2004-11-16T13:00:00.000-05:00

so i've been thinking about writing a post. did we find out the sex of the baby? yes. should i share? i dont know. how much more fun would it be if i kept it all to myself, then unleash it after i have the baby? okay, its a girl. 94% says female. J wants a boy.

what guy doesnt want a boy? its okay though, im sure with my luck i'll have a boy. everyone will buy us pretty little girly outfits - and it will be a little J. either way it works for me. im just excited now!

ultrasound 2

2004-11-05T11:27:00.000-05:00

today we have our second ultrasound. we had one at 7 weeks - but the baby was just a little bean. today is a big day. im fucking excited! hopefully the baby will be laying forward, spread eagle, waiting for us to see his/her little genitalia. (is that too vulgar for referring to my child?) i really want to find out the sex. TODAY. not in 3 months. but hey, i can always wait. the important thing is that our baby is healthy.

been getting lots of kicks lately. well, mostly at night or when i seemingly "piss the baby off." how to piss a baby in the belly off: squat. i think its squishes their little house. i usually get booted for squatting. my bad. let me just stop functioning as a normal human for you, baby. (which will eventually be happening - because childbirth is anything but something for normal people. only for women - such EXTRAORDINARY people.) keep the fingers crossed for spread eagles - in fact, keep those fingers, arms, toes - everything crossed!

pregnancy disclaimer

2004-10-30T13:44:00.000-04:00

WARNING: Do not allow pregnant females to carry/hold/touch anything breakable. It will be dropped and smashed.
Thankfully, the glass objects that ive dropped so far havent smashed. my keys would be annialated by now if they could shatter. every single time i get a hold of my keys, i drop them. this is a fail-proof fact. no wonder pregnancy comes with back pains. you are continually forced to bend and reach for the things you fumble and drop.

what counts?

2004-10-27T23:41:00.000-04:00

Glad to finally be progressing in my pregnancy. I felt like i was stuck at 3 months for ever. 18 weeks. i was one crazy, farting, bitchy, motherfucker for those first 3.5 months. i wasnt the throwing up type - but i was about to throw up ALL THE TIME. no one ever told me that eating would be out of the question when i got pregnant. the best thing about this whole thing is the increase in boob size. i cant stop looking and flaunting my new and improved D boobs. oh yes, im fucking sexy now. wait.. SEXIER. okay, im lying. the best part is without a doubt that first little movement. well, the movements were hard to distinguish from gas and those damn stomach functions. the first kick was awesome though. i didnt have to think twice about that.

Of course i had to stop going to school. i stopped at Drexel because it would have been way too much stress for a pregnant girl to handle. i was supposed to be taking fall classes at the community college - but my procrastinating ass missed the deadline. fuck. an unbelievable amount of people think i fucked my life up royally. i fully plan on finishing school. if my parents can help me with paying - which i dont think my dad will have a problem with doing. plus, single mommies get lots of funding. technically, since im not married, im a single mommy. thats why i told joe that we're not getting married until im done school. i think that will work out fine. i would really like to finish. nothing is impossible. im not saying its going to be easy - but i am saying its something i REALLY want to do. therefore, i dont think it will be too much of a problem. maybe hard, but not impossible. fuck everyone else, they can have their opinions. i'll graduate from drexel with an engineering degree, they'll see.

Joe and I are still together. we're really excited about the baby. its his first (it fucking better be) and of course, my first (at least we know that for a fact!). i've had plenty of people tell me how hard this is going to be, and how joe could leave at any time, and how i should make sure i can do it on my own, and how i have options, and how everyone else would like me to solve this "problem." joe and i are happy. isnt that what fucking counts? damn. people get on my nerves. we're gonna work our asses off to make sure we have a happy baby. i dont care if i have to give up everything i have to make sure this baby is happy - im going to do it. and thats all that matters. i could do this by myself. but i dont have to. get it through your fucking heads, people!

surprise

2004-08-30T12:36:00.000-04:00

guess who's having a baby? yes, i was shocked too. so now not only is my dear cousin popping them out, i am too. im excited. however.. i must say that pregnancy is nothing that i ever expected. weird shit keeps happening to my body. im breaking out with fever blisters - which never would have happened before. they tell me my immune system is going crazy. i got bitten by a spider - which usually would be so bad, except that its on the crease between my leg and butt cheek, which makes it impossible to sit or walk without pain. plus there's the fact that my leg is a balloon from the spider bite and i cant take anything for pain - except a little tylenol - which doesnt help for shit. im just going into my fourth month.. and look at all the complaining!!

loooooooove you

2004-06-10T13:15:00.000-04:00

im alive. im still going.

yes, im still with J. and yes, things are still awesome. i love this..
i never knew things could be so good with someone for so long. wow. im seriously amazed.

the cat's meow

2004-05-12T12:29:00.000-04:00

i think its safe for me to say that my cat has the ability to make the longest, drawn-out, sad meows IN. THE. WORLD. yes, and im not exaggerating. its the kind of meow that makes me feel like im neglecting my kitten. its not my fault that he wants to go outside - i feel like hes my child and its too dangerous out there!!!! i really dont think im being too overprotective here. he could get into a fucking cat fight. nope.

he just meows in such a way that makes me want to kick him in the face to bring the torturous meows to an end - but we all know i would never do that. here i am talking about protecting him from other cats while im kicking him in the face for meowing. i love my kitten. but hes still not going outside.

yes, my life is so exciting that i need to write about my cat.

every day i fall more in love with J. im so happy. im happy with him - not with the situation right now. hes basically staying with one of my friends and her boyfriend. its not good for our relationship or theirs. we clash too much. im working on getting a new job. J is working. hopefully soon we'll be looking for an apartment.

and i'm back..

2004-05-10T17:58:00.000-04:00

so yes, i took some type of hiatus from this thing. okay, i was just too busy being not being a fucking computer nerd to blog. boyfriends take up A LOT of time, this is something i had forgotten. not to mention the fact that i withdrew from school. i just dont seem to be an engineering girl. im transferring into penn state - and im really not sure what im studying yet. i was told to "find my passion." okay, so thats what i'll do.

other than that, things are good. im trying to find a full time job to keep me busy until classes start in august. blah, job hunting blows.

no more drugs. ah, and it feels so fucking good. i feel healthy again. fucking drugs.

oh yeah, did i mention i was in a car accident? i didnt get hurt - too bad - trip to the hospital, some crutches, and a fucking leg brace that went from my ankle to my thigh. oh, and a percaset prescription to ease the pain. haha.. too bad i sold them. hey, its better than taking them right? okay - but im better now. maybe i'll make more time to be that "cool" computer person i used to be sometime soon..

until then..

a perfect imperfection to my perfect

2004-04-05T12:18:00.000-04:00

im with J. hes officially my boyfriend.

hes been working on getting his shit together. i love him..

i have nothing to say about C..
like i said, hes my perfect imperfection to my perfect.. and i love him..

im tired

2004-03-31T00:29:00.000-05:00

i dont really feel like saying much right now.
i was sick of looking at that other post.. it got beat real quick.
i had an awesome weekend.
spent saturday night with C - and it was amazing. he is so good at keeping me guessing.
things are still moving forward with J - and his 'i love you's.'

calling all alcoholics

2004-03-25T13:04:00.000-05:00

i just got a call from my work - my OTHER work. my spring/summer/fall (nice weather) job. they need me to work this weekend, since its going to be pretty nice. so here we go..

i have to leave this job tomorrow and go straight to the other job.
saturday 10a.
sunday 10a.

3 days of 8 hrs of serving alcohol to lots of golfers..
however.. i am looking forward to the extra cash from tips that i havent been making..
they all love me there.. they're my boys. haha.

im a hero.. trying to be

2004-03-25T11:54:00.000-05:00

i made an appointment to donate blood this afternoon. company blood drives are always fun, right?
a coworker and i are going to have a "blood race" - we're going to try and see who's blood flows out faster. im sure its not going to work out as smoothly as we would like it to, but it will be funny to see.

oh yeah..
can i donate blood if i have HPV??

you love me what?

2004-03-25T09:32:00.000-05:00

so i have C.. and i have J. wasn't too sure about J for a while, but i figure what the fuck? everyone deserves a chance. plus, i feel like C is keeping me waiting.. and waiting.. and waiting.

i've been hanging out with J the past couple of nights. nothing serious - just whatever. he reminds me SO MUCH of B's ex-bf Kyle - the father of my God Son (who B has an 18 month restraining order on.) thats not exactly someone you would want to be reminded of..

anyway, ive actually been hanging out with J for the past couple of weeks. i met him about 3 weeks ago. hes funny and i like being around him - nothing too crazy. hah - nothing crazy.. FROM ME.

he told me he "can't be with me." "why?" i asked. "because everybody wants you," he says. DAMNED if i knew. im not bad looking - and most guys that i want i could probably have. im not trying to sound conceited.. but hey.. its the truth. i told J there is a large difference between everyone WANTING ME and everyone HAVING ME. right???

whatever with that - its really not the point of this. tuesday night i was sitting with J in his car down by the Delaware River. Nothing else to do.. so we just sat there and talked.. and smoked a couple cigarettes (DAMN SMOKER.) He was shooting questions off at me left and right. Why this and why that, who this, where that, when, how, why..

then out of no where i get..
"So do you love me yet?" J
[i probably looked like a fucking deer in headlights.. i had no idea what to say]

i really didn't answer him. i dont think it was a fair question. right now. ive known this boy for 3 weeks!! plus, he has A LOT of baggage (BAD baggage) that i really dont need to get wrapped up in. i figured we had a casual friendship going on. uhm - guess i figured wrong on that one.

after i didnt answer him, he didnt seem to mind. then last night.. i got a "i love you, baby." repeatedly.
WHOA there. I never thought i would be almost disgusted to hear those words. no one has told me they love me since A.. it just doesn't feel right. maybe it's because it's not A.. or maybe it's because it's not LOVE.
im really not sure if it will ever be.. but when you go from being in a relationship with someone for 2 years.. to barely being with someone for 2 weeks.. the definition of LOVE has TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT MEANINGS, FEELINGS, LOOKS, KISSES, and most importantly.. TINGLES. maybe even some occasional BUTTERFLIES.. but not anything i'm feeling right now.

i love C more than i love J.
C gives me those awesome feelings..
dont get me wrong - i care a lot about J. he's been through a lot of shit and i want to see him get his life back in order. but LOVE him? no.
he told me i'm the kind of girl he can take home to his mother. damn - what kind of girls has he been seeing in the past??? hah - just kidding. i'm fucking awesome when it comes to that shit. im really not sure he is the type of guy i can take home to my mom.. let alone my dad!

oh well. its funny how sometimes you think you want something - but when you get it.. it turns out to be NOTHING as you expected. i always wanted a guy to fall in love me this fast. does he really love me.. or is he looking for more? does he deserve a chance? is he looking for someone to really help him get his shit together - or does he want to fuck me and chuck me? whatever the case.. im keeping a close eye on this one..

boston

2004-03-24T08:24:00.000-05:00

for lack of better words, boston was fucking great.

jon and i left early saturday morning. traffic wasn't too bad - some bad spots here and there - but nothing major to complain about. the drive took about 5 hours.

we got to hang out with some of S's friends from school. it was funny being back in freshman dorms - it brought back a lot of memories. saturday night we went to get the beer too. four 30 cases and a twenty - what the fuck is a twenty???

sunday morning we were up bright and earlyfor the parade. its a huge deal in south boston, so a lot of the roads were blocked off. what was even worse was the parking situation. instead of trying to drive around and find a spot, we took the first thing we came across. no problem, except for the fact that it was like 2 miles from where we had to be. oh yeah, and not to mention right next to the ocean - which means increased wind and cold. it wasnt too bad in the morning - it was the half-drunken walk/stumble back to get the car in the afternoon that was the problem.

oh wait - i definitely left out one of the most important events of the morning: THE CUPS. youre not allowed to have alcohol on the street, so we needed to find something to put our beer in. what wouldnt attract attention and seem almost normal? coffee cups. big, thermal, coffee cups from DRUNKIN DONUTS. oh, and did i mention they were bright green? mine was the only one that came with a huge straw - which only made the alcohol so much better.

the parade was a fucking blast. ive never seen so many drunken irish people. a police officer actually fell off the back of a float in a drunken state - then walked down the street double-fisting something alcoholic. everyone was happy and drunk - and had an awesome time.

i'll try and get the pics up soon.. or maybe just a couple..

spring: less than 48 hours away - could have fooled me

2004-03-18T15:46:00.000-05:00

i live in philadelphia.
philadelphia has 4 seasons. the second season, spring, begins this coming saturday morning.
tonight: winter storm warning, up to 8 inches possible.

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

i'm supposed to be leaving for Boston tomorrow night - somewhere in the middle of the night. if the roads are real shitty, i won't be going. maybe i will push leaving back to saturday morning; or maybe i will call the whole thing off. i really dont need to be driving to boston on a bunch of shitty, icy, snowy roads. no thank you.

looks like i may have to scrape together some plans for this weekend.. or maybe not..

i need a fucking reason!

2004-03-18T14:03:00.000-05:00

have you ever had someone just STOP TALKING TO YOU.. out of what seems like no where? IT IS SO FRUSTRATING.

I haven't talked to J since yesterday morning. Usually that wouldn't be a big deal, except for the fact that I usually talk to him a couple times a day. He likes to talk to me about whats going on with him and all of his problems. I have no problem with this - I like to help. Tuesday night he called me all pissed off about something stupid and told me he would call me back - he never did. When I talked to him yesterday morning, he said he had fallen asleep the night before. Then, yesterday morning when i called him he told me he would call me back, never did, and turned his phone off for the rest of the day. Uhm.. can I get a little help on this one, J????

I left him 2 messages. Nothing.

This morning, I woke up and tried calling him. He has to be in work at about 4:30a, so he was definitely awake when i got up for work at 6a. His phone just rang and rang. I almost called his work.. but decided not to. Ugh, IM SO FRUSTRATED. He isn't talking to me for a reason.. and i would seriously like to know the reason. haha - i didnt do anything!! Then again, he is a recovering pcp addict.. and if you know anything about that.. theyre some crazy motherfuckers.

talking in circles..

2004-03-18T11:07:00.000-05:00

Ever feel like you're sitting back watching everyone around you ruin their fucking lives? Maybe not everyone, but it seems like most of the people close to me are making horribly unwise decisions. Whats even worse is the fact that I feel like I have no say in what goes on in my life. Yes, I make the little decisions. But God forbid I would change my mind about the BIGGEST THING IN MY LIFE: Engineering.

Don't get me wrong, i want to graduate with an engineering degree. very badly, actually. its something that i need to do for myself - to prove that i can actually follow through with something. i've been good at more than a handful of things throughout my life - not just good at - but actually excelled in specific things. sports in particular. any sport that ive ever tried, i have had no problem in being one of the best. unfortunately, after time goes by i get bored and either give up, move on, or completely lose interest. by the time i realize the mistake ive made in giving up, its too late.

i feel like a machine. i operate solely to accomplish a goal - with no good along the way. i think this is why i am striving so hard to find a committed relationship with someone - especially now that i have found someone that i have feelings for. i feel like i am going through this part of my life, helplessly watching B completely fuck herself over, A waste her time with an abusive boyfriend, and countless other people fucking up. Is it because this is such a critical time period for the people in my age group - and most of my friends aren't making the right decisions? Its not like i am being an asshole and saying that their decisions are wrong because I THINK THEY ARE WRONG.. they are wrong because they are completely hurting and ruining relationships around them. I'm not a perfect person and I have made my share of bad decisions, but nothing that has greatly impaired the rest of my life. I understand that as a friend there is only so much i can possibly do to help.. but God, how much do i really need to deal with at once?

the other night, B told me that I am her rock. i am always the strong one for her when she needs me. i told her parents about her pregnancy last september and recently told them about her violating a restraining order which was placed on the father of her son. im more than happy to be there for her.. but she has forced me into the middle of her, her parents, and her boyfriend J. everyone wants to know the truth - but why is it my responsibility to tell them? I did in fact tell her mother - actually, not so much told her, but more or less confirmed what she had suspected. then B's boyfriend J confronted me about what had really happened: B lied to J, B's mother told him the truth, and he wanted me to confirm who was lying. WHY IS IT MY JOB? who elected me to be the entire vote of the jury? how come everyone believes me? am i really that trustworthy of a person, in their eyes?

this entry has looped around and jumped from subject to subject..
i do want a boyfriend. its not so much that i NEED a boyfriend to be happy - as some people say - but more the fact that it gives me a sense of balance and control in my life. i have something to concentrate on, something to occupy me and keep me out of trouble. i love being in love. i'm so good at it. this just brings us to another one of my.. uhm.. my things.

the PARENTS. my mother called me last night crying that she needed to talk to me. call me insensitive, but i told her i would try and listen, but it probably wouldnt go very far. for the past eight years my brothers and i have been trapped inbetween two bickering adults: our parents. money was always the main issue, as i would assume it would be for many separated families. it has gotten to the point where i want nothing to do with the entire situation. i turned 18, i became legally reponsible for me, i really have no desire to deal with my parents and their arguing.
this is why i believe i will never have a normal relationship.. ever. being married, having children, and living happily ever after is so important to me. maybe because the hell that my parents have put me through - or maybe because thats a common interest in most females. whatever the case, i know i will be fine. ive learned a lot about myself in the past few years.. hopefully enough where i will soon find out exactly what i want.. and who i am.

2004-03-15T10:27:00.000-05:00

I can't believe how incredibly fast the past 6 months has flown by.

I've been on a 6-month co-op for school - the first of three. It seems like I just started last week.. and already, I will be leaving at the end of this week. I've met so many people and learned a lot..

I can't believe A and I broke up almost 1 year ago.
I never thought I would be able to be this happy without A.

okay, so i know im a little obsessive about this particular topic.. but i'm working on that. for now, be happy that im over him. its taken me a while, but hey.. we were together for a while. i would love to be able to be friends with him, but he isnt mature enough to handle that. i, on one hand, like to remain friends as best as i can with past boyfriends. M - an ex-boyfriend from early high school - is one of my closest friends. he knows so much about me.. so its easy to talk to him about anything. hes an awesome guy. except for the fact that my mother won't let this go: "you and M are SUPPOSED TO BE TOGETHER. he is your Mr. Big." Mr. Big being Carrie's guy from Sex and the City.. yeah, go figure..

I've changed SO MUCH, not only in the past 6 months, but in the past year.

I guess it's not so much that i've changed.. but more or less that i've learned a lot about me and what i want out of this life. i used to set goals really high for myself. somehow, i stopped that somewhere along the way. i want to get back into the habit of setting goals and actually achieving them. not just doing to do.. but doing to accomplish something. these are the most important years of my life and im going to take complete advantage of them.

A Perfect Sunday..

2004-03-15T09:50:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, my God Son was christened.. and i officially became his God Mommy. B looked amazing for just having a baby 7 weeks ago. I looked amazing, cause ya know.. i just have it like that. haha. The day seemed to go as smoothly as it could have gone. oh wait, except the part where i woke up in the morning to run some errands, pulled my car out of the drive, and realized i had a flat tire. that just meant that i got to take the 2002 SS Camaro. you wont hear me complaining. i love that car. especially since im the only one allowed to drive it other than B's parents. i'm just one those girls that knows how to drive stick..

marriage advice? from me?????

2004-03-05T14:43:00.000-05:00

marriage scares me. only because ive seen the worst of it - and i know that i never ever ever want to go through that again, especially with my children - i will find the perfect person before i marry them.
i having a crisis here. i really have no idea how to handle the situation i was presented with last night..
this could be a first..

so i got a phone call from my cousin last night, D. i was in her wedding this past july. her husband is in the army. he got deployed in september, after they had been married only 2 months. she now lives in all alone, without her husband. the rest of her family lives in philadelphia and the surrounding areas. shes been dealing with him leaving amazingly well.. and im so proud of her. i wish i could be closer to her - in terms of miles - but what can i do? she works full time, takes care of the bills, and goes to school full time. shes amazing.

last night she called me and i knew something was wrong. shes been a little different lately. i dont talk to her very much, but the last time i talked to her (before last night) i knew something was up. she didnt seem as happy as she would usually be. like i said, shes handled the whole thing great so far. keep in mind, D is only 19 years old --- she'll be 20 this coming week. she called me last night looking for some advice - marriage advice, from me.. not married, parents divorced. no idea how to handle it.

basically, she is having second thoughts about things between the two of them.

she ended up kissing someone else one night while out at a bar - very drunk.
my thoughts/what i told her were basically this: I don't think she is wrong for doing it. Everyone makes mistakes. Being drunk isn't an excuse. Something else would have been a lot more honest and believable to me. All that happened was a kiss --- no feelings. I told her that I don't think she is wrong. She is only human. Her stress level has to be through the roof - no matter how well she APPEARS to be doing. Her husband isn't home to comfort her when she's upset after they've just gotten into an argument. She hasn't had any affection in over 6 months. Things happened, she regrets it, is sorry, and doesn't plan on it happening ever again.

Should she tell her husband?
me: I don't think she needs to. She made the mistake and learned from it. Although honesty is important in any relationship, especially a marriage, i think this is a time where an exception can be made. Right now, D and her husband are living two completely different lives - completely separate from each other. I don't really know what else to say about this.. I really don't think she is wrong for doing this. She made a mistake.

She doesn't think she loves her husband anymore.
me: DO NOT MAKE ANY DECISIONS RIGHT NOW. I tried explaining to her that they've been apart for so long - she needs to give things a chance for when he gets home. They get into their little disagreements about things while he is over seas - who does she have to make up with after the fight? No one. They might have had 5 little fights so far --- and haven't felt like they've resolved/apologized/fixed anything. I told her she needs to wait and see how things are when he gets home.. it wouldn't be fair to make that call right now.

the only basis i have for giving advice to my cousin is what i know to be right/wrong and what i've seen with other families. ive learned a lot about people and relationships in the past couple of years. i think that some of the things i told her are the best thing for her right now. Just because i told her that her husband doesnt need to know about "the kiss," i also told her to wait and see how she feels. she might actually want to tell him. ultimately, its her call. i think everything would be a lot easier on her if she had some family around her - but she has no one. just a few close friends thats she's made down there. i dont feel like i can talk to my parents about this thing - but then again, maybe they would be the best people - they've made the mistakes.
it sucks fat cock that i cant talk to my ex-bf A's mom about this whole thing. she might be an asshole, but she was in the same situation as my cousin when she had just married A's dad. I so wish i could talk to her.. Damn.

use a condom

2004-03-04T10:35:00.000-05:00

"KARMA - eastern religion Eastern philosophy: the Hindu and Buddhist philosophy according to which the quality of people’s current and future lives is determined by their behavior in this and in previous lives."
WARNING: IM ABOUT TO SOUND LIKE A HUGE ASSHOLE, BUT COME ON PEOPLE..
hahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. i need to tell this story.
the lesson to be learned here: treat people like assholes, it comes back to you.

sooooooooo.. have i mentioned how the ex-bf's (A) family is a large group of ignorant assholes? NO? well, they are.
When they found out their oldest son had gotten his girlfriend pregnant (after being together for about 7 months), they reacted in the most ignorant way. Now, for reference issues, someone very close to me was born to unmarried parents. I think everyone will agree with me when I say THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. (thanks for agreeing, cause i know you did.)

Anyway, this person that is very close to me was also pretty close with A's family. They also knew about her history and what not. When they got the news of the expected baby, they basically talked their son into marrying his girlfriend. The sad part is - after the wedding, the parents said to their son, "you did the right thing. now that baby will have a father."

Correct me if I'm wrong here, but shouldn't two people commit themselves in marriage because they love eachother? NOT FOR A BABY? And how come this baby would have been so "horribly off" if his/her parents weren't married at the time of it's birth?

The point is, this family knew about the person close to me - and how her parents weren't married when she was born. They didn't stay together. She has a father - someone who is better to her than any biological father ever was - so why is there something wrong with that?

maybe i took this a little more serious than it needed to be - but they hit close to home when they made comments like that. i also know that it offended my friend. A's parents are assholes.

WHICH BRINGS ME TO THE POINT OF THIS WHOLE THING..
I got a phone call late last night from my cousin, who could not wait to tell me the news. She had something juicy!! haha. It had to do with my ex-bf, A. Okay - I knew it had to be good.

Apparently, A's older brother (who is now married with a 9 month old daughter) found out some interesting news recently. it turns out, he actually has a 18 month old child. he had a one-night-stand with some girl that he met in a bar, had sex with her - unprotected, and now has a baby (that he never knew about.) the girl was married, got divorced, married again, divorced again, and was recently trying to figure out who the father of the child is. Well, turns out that A's older brother is the father.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
I'm not laughing that this poor girl didn't know who the father of her child is (although, i really dont feel bad for her - keep your fucking legs closed!! and use a condom!!). I'm laughing MY ASS OFF because his parents were "so proud of him" for what he did - marrying his girlfriend - so that child would not be "a bastard." God, what the hell does that word mean? Come on people!

I bet they feel like idiots now.
It's a damn shame and everything.. but it just goes to show.. be an asshole, it will come back to you.

the boys and a girl

2004-03-04T10:17:00.000-05:00

last night i joined the boys in the family (dad and 2 brothers) for the Philadelphia Flyers game. its always nice when you get tickets in the Penthouse Suite - for about $400 a ticket - from dad and his fine job. gotta love his job.

it was an experience, i'll definitely say that much. i had a good time. it was nice to be with my brothers and my dad. it would have been much better if someone was there (C) - but hey, you deal with what you've got. I'm glad they won. If they didn't - i would have been in trouble.

i found this..

2004-03-03T14:55:00.000-05:00

.. to be really funny. not funny in a mocking way - but funny in a truthful way.

12 Reasons Same-Sex Marriage will Ruin Society

I'm so PRETTY - or do I mean PETTY? Can I be both?

2004-03-03T14:46:00.000-05:00

so its time that i take a little chance to be all girly and bitch about some petty bullshit.

its might be petty to some people, but it pisses me off. when something happens over and over again, it begins to build up. now, im going to bitch it up.

so.. im going to Boston in about 2 weeks to visit one of my good friends, Siobhan. that really has nothing to do with what im saying right now, but it was a good way to bring Siobhan into the picture. She made plans to come to Philly this coming weekend. She is apparently bringing a couple of her friends from school.

So, since Siobhan left school last year - she has come down here a few times. Every few months or so.. she makes a trip. Well, i dont know when it happened.. but somehow, every time Siobhan comes down her FUCKING ANNOYING LITTLE FRIEND JAMIE thinks that it is a visit to see her --- and only her. Siobhan has more friends in Philadelphia. Siobhan was the only female engineering friend that i had at school. she left --- last year. i really miss her. except every time she comes down here, i have to deal with jamie. None of the boys like Jamie (the boys being the male friends Siobhan and i share.) well, they may have learned to like her -- or something, but T and i both hate her.

haha.. this is so petty, i fucking love it!

i emailed Siobhan explaining my feelings about the whole situation. Basically, her response was "pick a day." Wow..
So Siobhan is coming down from Friday until Wednesday.. and i get ONE DAY? Looks like im pretty fucking important to her. and i understand that she has a lot of people to see, but she specifically said, "pick a day. jamie wont be mad if i have something to do on a certain day."

WHAT THE FUCK? alright dude.. alright. Saturday night, a couple of my friends are moving into their new house on campus. naturally, theyre having a huge party. so i told siobhan that saturday will be our night -- we can have an awesome time together. what does she tell me? "well, you know jamie will be there," she says. Okay. Thats fine with me.. but my response to Siobhan was, "if she pisses me off or gets smart with me im going to kick her in the teeth." (yeah, let me provide a visual: Jamie is about 4'11". I am about 5'6". Plus she is round. im tall, skinny, and pretty solid). It would NOT be a pretty sight. hahahahaha I would LOVE to see jamie start with me --- although, im sure she'll have her sorority sisters on my ass in no time..

shit, in that case.. i guess i better watch my back..
(yeah, okay.. can you say sarcasm?)

i wouldnt be so upset if siobhan and i werent so close when she was here. we've managed to stay somewhat close -- we talk on the phone as much as we can -- but there is only so much you can do. im definitely jealous that jamie has that kind of control over siobhan. eww.. i think its time to start directing my jealousy towards something/someone actually worth it..

the T-bone is connected to the..

2004-03-03T11:14:00.000-05:00

T is one of my good friends. one of my good male friends (i seem to have a lot of em.)
so i was reading an old email between the two of us.. from November 2003.. he fucking cracks me up.. and he's probably going to kill me for posting this shit..

"ha, it would be cool if u stayed over, we could have slumber parties! we could stay up late and watch movies eating popcorn in our pajamas talkin about boys.... haha. theres plenty of room in my bed for 2, wink wink"

hahaha, T - you fucking crack me up.

shine sun, fucking shine.

2004-03-02T14:12:00.000-05:00

so yesterday i didnt want anything to do with going to my dr appt. that was before the appt.

not only did i not want to go, but i didnt quite remember where the place was. the area that it is in has a bunch of medical buildings and offices. i had only ever been there once before - so i stopped in a random building and asked where exactly to go. i got there just in time for the damn appt.

wait, so did i mention it was an appt at the ob-gyn? yeah, and dont forget about my little hpv thing that i have going on. so i got there and was pretty nervous - this was the first visit with my regular ob-gyn doctor since the whole hpv thing went down. i knew she would be pissed at me. but then again, i just had to figure that she is my dr and cant really do anything but help. sooooo.. i got there, got shit settled.. and got in the room with the nurse.

so the nurse was asking me all those stupid sexual, family history, and health questions. it ended a little like this:

nurse: so why exactly are you here today? you were here in january and had a pap. you dont need another.
me: i was told to get another. i was diagnosed with hpv in december.
nurse: [puzzled look on face] you were? it doesnt show that on your chart. it says that your pap came back normal. you tested negative for all stds, including hpv.
me: [at this point, i had basically fallen off my chair] uhm.. are you sure its the right results? they told me i had it?? what does that mean? [WHAT THE FUCK!!!?]
nurse: the doctor will explain everything to you when she comes in.

so at that point, i was going insane. i had no fucking idea what to think. i sat there and waited for the doctor.
she walked in the room holding my charts and what not. she explained everything to me. basically, i had a strain of hpv that is only external - from skin to skin contact. it didnt show up on my pap because i dont have the harmful ones - cervical hpv. she also told me that since i havent showed any signs of them that my body has done pretty well in a.) getting rid of the virus, b.) or it has gone dormant - and most likely will not show up.. probably ever again.

i also learned that my doctor - my ob-gyn - was diagnosed with the cervical hpv.. which sucks (for her at least.) its a little good for me in that she must know A TON about the disease. wow, i never thought i would feel so comfortable with this thing --- or reach a point of comfort like this.

i feel like ive overcome this horrible thing in my life.

the weekend

2004-03-01T16:32:00.000-05:00

i had a good weekend.. actually, it was really good. not as much action as the prior weekend, but just enough.

Friday after work i dropped my car off with F to have my inspection stickers updated. that seemed to take a lot longer than expected and i ended up taking a nap with the cousin, S. it was a good nap.. minus the fact that people ONLY CALL ME WHILE TRYING TO SLEEP anymore. its pretty frustrating, especially when im incredibly bitchy to those poor, unsuspecting callers. eventually, i got up and was happy again.

S, F, and i decided to get some dinner at the WVI (one of S's places of work). We picked G up on the way over there. After we picked him up, he decided to inform us of the baby shower he was supposed to be at - he would be getting picked up and leaving. "OKAY?" we thought. G left and told us to call him as soon as we were done dinner - he wanted to chill that night. Sounded fine to me. When we were done eating, I called G. he wanted me to pick him up - S, F, and K would be going back to K's. We would meet them there. so i left to get G - which was completely out of the way from where i was going - but i didnt mind. I got close to where he was and he all of the sudden "wasnt answering his phone." WHAT THE FUCK!? G has pulled this shit with us before. I got fed up and left. I left a message with the little, ignorant, thinks-she's-tough girl that was answering G's phone. I just let her know to tell G i was leaving. Fuck that.. im not playing high school games.. especially since that little bitch TABITHA (i dont give a fuck using her real name, stupid bitch) was giving me a Goddamn attitude. If she knew who i was, she would know that pulling that shit with me would have gotten her my fist in her fucking face. On to better things..

i ended up stopping at B's house (my best friend) on the way home. usually, when i stop there, i dont feel like leaving. this proved to be true.. and i stayed over night. i slept with B and the baby.. it was a good night. i couldnt believe that the baby didnt wake me up all night. Wow.

Saturday i woke up and did nothing. eventually, i made Frank go to the store with me to get Kitty Litter for my baby, Snoop. C and I were supposed to be doing something that night - so i figured i should shower at some point in the day. haha - i eventually got my ass up, went home, showered, then returned to B's. C was driving up to go out with me. We went out.. and I'm keeping the details to me.. except that i had the best night i've had in a long time.. a very long time..

right after C left on Saturday night, i drove to Wendy's to get some food - i was so hungry. on the way back, i was driving up a hill, about to go over it. right as i looked ahead and up, i saw a shooting star. it was the most awesome thing. it was a perfect ending to the night..

sunday was a good day - busy, but good. i woke up and met the family for brunch, like we do every week. B wanted to bring the baby, but she wasn't feeling good when she woke up. she had lost her voice the night before and decided not to go with me.
after brunch, i went back to B's. she wanted to take the baby out to get some fresh air - so we took him to my house so my dad could see him. we also decided to drive down and drop Uncle Nit off, since he needed a ride. after that, we headed down to my school to show the baby to some of my close friends - B is friends with them too. It was a good time. B was happy that the boys got to see the baby.

basically, i had a good weekend. right now, im in pain, have a dr. appt to go to tonight.. and ugh, just dont feel like going.

sparkly. red. stringy. MISPLACED THONGS.

2004-02-26T18:41:00.000-05:00

last night before i went to bed i threw some laundry in the washer. now, i live with my dad - yeah, just me, him, my dog, and the kitten. our washer is downstairs - in the basement. instead of being smart and using one of my laundry baskets, i decided to scoop everything up and carry it down. it worked out fine --- until i got back upstairs and realized i dropped a red thong and tank top. fuck. i put them on the chair in the dining room, next to the basement door, to take care of later.

this morning, i woke up and was reminded of the thong and tank top when i saw them.. sitting on the chair, in the fucking dining room. hope my dad had a nice morning in work. being a daddy's girl does not make you want your dad to see your little red thong sitting on the chair next to the basement. he definitely saw it.. and i really do not want to know what he thought.

there have been the awkward times when i threw wash in and accidentally dropped a thong or two. then i had my dad saying, "i put your skivvies on your bed. you must have dropped them when you were doing your wash." yeah, thanks dad.. no really.. thank you.

oh yes, we cannot forget about the time my ex-boyfriend A's mom called me in the laundry room to ask me about the "special care" needed for the thong with the rhinestones all over it. when she called me in, i really was clueless as to what she may have wanted. i walked in.. and to my fucking delight.. shes standing there holding the Victoria's Secret G-string (more appropriately called V-string) in her hand, staring, turning, reading, inspecting.. and says, "should i wash these in delicate?" i probably looked like an asshole because of the severe shock she threw me into. As quickly and nonchalantly as possible, i said "just throw them in with that stuff. thats fine. okay, thanks." haha.. i got the fuck outta there like lightning.

i dont think i looked her in the eye for at least a week after that. she probably thought i was a huge slut. if you could see the thong i'm talking about --- you would know how i feel. there is more cotton on a tampon than there is on this particular thong. haha. oh well, i love my thongs.

so i'm at school now.. the night school thing.. the physics kill-me-now-please thing. ive still got a half hour before class so what do i do?.. blog. im a fucking winner, right?

i'm so loved..

2004-02-26T16:08:00.000-05:00

i've regretted to mention that i have some of the bestest people in the world as my friends.

Example: K
Reason: K was my RA last year when i lived in the dorms at college. K called me the night after No Doubt tickets went on sale to tell me that she bought them for her and i --- and that i couldnt tell her no. hey, do you think im complaining? i've only liked No Doubt for about.. uhm.. 8 years now. i wonder if i should go.. haha.. right, cause thats something i need to think about..

you'll be able to catch me at the Tweeter Center on June 6.. =)

T's response..

2004-02-26T11:13:00.000-05:00

to why they dont understand what "BREAKING UP" means..

"of course those boys dont get it, they are addicted to you." T - one of my best guy friends.

and a random T comment: "ur a boy hopper. u hop from boy to boy." hahahaha. nu-uh!!

drawing a blank here..

2004-02-26T10:59:00.000-05:00

how come I haven't talked to my cousin in a long time? S - I text messaged you yesterday.. what the fuck, dude? Just because your boyfriend is back from FL doesn't mean that you erase me.. =) call me, bitch. Geez, we go to the gay bar together last weekend and everything, and now I guess I'm not good enough for you.. hah. (you love the hah's!!) Wait, I was definitely at your house Monday after work.. but its been 3 days!!

using the blog as a source of communication.. interesting.

i seem to be at a loss for entries right now..
I talked to R last night. He's pretty pissed that I wont be driving up to WP this weekend. Why the fuck should i be driving up there? Do boys know what it means when you BREAK UP? Then I get an IM from A (the other ex-bf - who might i mention, has been telling everyone that i wont leave him alone and he doesnt want to talk to me.. but you know, go figure) because he wanted to tell me that he got glasses for reading. Swell there, A. I [think] I'm really happy for you. Why don't these boys understand what it means to break up?

Black and White

2004-02-25T14:08:00.000-05:00

unravel me
untie this chord
the very center of our union, its caving in
i cant endure
i am the archive of our failure.
and all the fear is black and white
and im wound up small and tight
and i dont know who i am..

sarah mclachlan..

Luck? I think not..

2004-02-23T08:46:00.000-05:00

Not much happened this weekend following Friday. Surprised? I'm not. and i thought i was back..

Last night was the final episode of Sex and the City, although im sure everyone knows that. yesterday afternoon they were running a contest on one of the radio stations to win the complete 5th season of Sex and the City on dvd --- and get entered for a chance to win a trip to the Bahamas. I dunno why, but I had a good feeling and decided to call. I WON. It was really weird --- i just felt like i had a good chance of winning. I entered my mom's name and information. How fucking amazing would it be if my mom and i won a trip for two to the Bahamas? I would shit myself!! B said it would suck going with my mom - but i wouldnt mind. we would probably have an awesome time together -- spend the entire time getting drunk on the beach and partying! the only problem would be getting her on a plane. i told her to take some xanex and she'd be cool. hah - then B and i were laughing and telling her to take some tombstones. me last night to my mom: "you would be like me in the summer on tombstones --- B, i need to go to bed. i cant walk." haha - some tombstones would knock my mom right the fuck out for the trip in the air. whatever, if we win, her ass is going!

Sex and the City. It was a great ending to the six seasons that my mom and i have watched religiously. we knew they were going to reveal what "Mr. Big's" name was --- John. I thought it was an awesome way to end the series. This morning on the radio, I heard that a lot of people were upset because the show seemed to leave you hanging. They had 45 minutes to get the entire season finale in there -- what the fuck do people expect? I think they gave you enough without actually giving you EVERYTHING. it leaves room for continuation - a movie. Honestly, i think the wait will make it so much better. I would have been completely disappointed if they explained everything last night. It would have been the end-all, be-all. Fuck that --- i'm satisfied. =)

by the way.. yesterday was my grandmother/godmother's birthday. and i thought it was luck that i won on the radio.. happy birthday gog, we love and miss you..

this weekend..

2004-02-20T10:06:00.000-05:00

R called me last night while i was sleeping. its kinda hard to remember what he was saying.. but it was something along the lines of i just wanted to say hi, have you changed your mind about coming up to NY on friday?, and something about his plans for today. so i said hi, no - im not coming up there on friday.. and good luck with your re-enlistment. am i really a bitch for doing this?

tonight: big plans. some gay bar in center city with george and sarah. status: george, gay. sarah, has boyfriend. me, broke up with girlfriend about 2 and a half years ago. haha.. but im only going to hang out with george. he imed me last night wanting to know where we are "pre-gaming" tonight. i dont think there will be much pre-gaming going on with me. ill be the one driving.. and im going to have enough trouble figuring out how to get home after the bar.. let alone trying to get there. no drinking for me before the bar. we should take the fucking train down there. or a taxi. then we could all get mangled and not have to worry about driving. uuggghhh.. whatever.

gee, i wonder if i should elaborate on the girlfriend story here?.. haha.. im sure it would make for great reading for the male population!! =)

ew

2004-02-19T13:57:00.000-05:00

i have a cashmere sweater on today. my deodorent seems to be mixing with the material (or something) and it smells like a fucking hair salon. i guess only females would understand this.. but it smells like that chemical they use to do a perm. ew. i feel so dirty.. what the fuck? note to me: no more direct contact between cashmere and dove deodorant.

where to begin?

2004-02-19T09:07:00.000-05:00

yes, that is the question of the day. so many things have changed.. and the reason for this new spot is to talk about them. you cant be too honest when you know that certain people are reading what you write. now i know NO ONE who knows me personally is reading this.. so here goes.

R and i were going out for a week. there are multiple reasons as to why i broke up with him last night. lets make a list:

no valentines day present.

"tighty whities."

distance.

i always seem to pay.

he is weird.

whoa daggers.

the new guy.

okay, so maybe i'm being a huge bitch about this whole thing. or didnt i just say that? whatever. im entitled to have my opinions about the person that i am dating - and it just so happens that R got on my last nerve. C (the new guy - also someone i work and go to school with) seemed to pop in right at the perfect time. or maybe he just got jealous that i started dating R and needed to move in for the kill. whatever - it worked for me.

thats about all with R. i broke up with him.. and uninvited him to go with me to Boston for the Saint Patty's Day parade. was that rude? i really dont care.. i just could not imagine spending that weekend having him with me.. and my friends. no thank you. on the other hand, C might be accompanying me to Boston. at least he isnt fucking weird.

next post.. more on C.

something was up..

2004-02-18T22:55:00.000-05:00

so much to say in continuation to the other spot. so much that i need to do this tomorrow morning.. not tonite. i dont have the energy. sorry J.