we're the definition

I can't believe it is June already.
I remember thinking I would be pregnant forever. I just couldn't wait for the weather to begin warming up. Now I feel like spring has come and gone so fast.

Julia is almost 3 months! My little baby.. It makes me so sad to think how short our days are together. I want her to stay like this forever! I sit with her and admire her tiny legs, fingers, arms.. everything. She's so precious. I don't ever want to go back to work or school. I just want to invest my entire life to making her happy.

I remember when I first met Joe. It feels like it was a lifetime ago. In reality, it hasn't been all that long.. Just about 15 months. I'm so in love with him. We both believe that there is no one out there who we would rather be with. It feels so great to be with someone and know exactly how they feel about me. I've been in relationships before and had no clue what the other person felt towards me. I know that Joe adores me for a list of reasons, good and bad. Even though he gets on my nerves sometimes, I couldn't ever imagine being without him. If there was such a thing as soulmates, I believe that Joe and I are exactly that.

"You're the only shoe that fits. I can't imagine I'll grow out of it."

see, I have this problem

Last Saturday, my cousin and I took our little girls to a historic park for a little walk. When we got there, I realized I had actually been there before.

I went on a haunted tour in October 2003 with this guy I was seeing. At the time I was on a "drug hiatus," meaning it was a time in my life between 2 highly used drug periods. Lovely, yes I know. Anyway, the "hiatus" took a "hiatus" that night.. everyone that was there smoked their own joint. No problem, for everyone else. I was so high that I didn't even realize that the place we went was right down the road from my mom's house. Someone also should have let me know that the tour we were going on would be a quiet, walk-through, guided by a woman telling stories. QUIET being the key word. I've never had to work so hard at not laughing in someone's face. I have this problem when I smoke and haven't smoked in a while. Not only did I have to stay QUIET, I had to STAND STILL. Kev-o (the guy I was "seeing") was leaning on me. It felt like he was putting all his weight on me. I was pushing forward (I think) with my body. I WAS SO HIGH. I just remember how high I was.

Like I said, I have this "laughing in peoples' faces" problem when I'm high. At least when I'm high for the first time in a while. When you smoke regularly, you just get mellow each time you smoke.

Then there was the time I joined my cousin Sarah at a childhood friend's house. Sarah had only seen her a couple times since they were young. Her friend decided that we should make a visit to a couple of her friends' house. They lived on Torresdale Ave. right in the neighborhood where Joe grew up. I wouldn't be surprised if Joe knew these guys. Joe knows EVERYONE. We could go to Iowa and Joe would know someone. Anyway, when we got to these guys house, they were passing a couple blunts around. Same situation, I hadn't smoked in a while. My cousin Sarah, being a drug abuse councillor, naturally did not partake in the passing and sharing of the blunts. I however, DID. Now with 3 blunts being passed in one room, a contact high is inevitable. Inevitable for Sarah, that is. When we left, Sarah's friend D was too high to drive and asked Sarah to take over at the wheel. D was driving her boyfriend's car, a big mustang. Torresdale Ave. still has the cinder blocks as the roadway, making it an especially bumpy ride. The important thing here was that Sarah was driving at a top speed of 14 mph, making it HORRIBLE BUMPY. I still have the picture in my head: Sarah, behind the big wheel of this ORANGE mustang, barely seeing over the dash.. bumping down the road ever-so-slowly. I'm now just getting to the good part. It can be summed up into a few sentences..

Sarah and I decided to stop at a diner called Michael's, which we frequented. Our waitress was this big, robust black woman. She was probably attending school across the street at Arcadia U. I was still BLAAAZED. When she came over to take our order, I couldn't do anything but LAUGH, and i do need to emphasize LAUGH, in her face. RIGHT IN HER FACE. I can't even imagine what she was thinking. This little white girl LAUGHING IN HER FACE. All I could do was point to Sarah and hope that she knew what I wanted to order. Oh God, I just LAUGHED in her FACE. SO LOUD. And DIRECT. I hope she still talks about it to people..

returning

It hath begun: I'm going back to Drexel University.

Well, I emailed the people to ask them how I can get back into the swing of things.
I hope I can go for free!!! Just kidding. But I do hope that I can still get financial aid if I only go part-time. We shall see.

I'm doing this for me. And my family. My family being Julia and Joe.
Oh yeah, and so I can say FUCK YOU to all those people that were heard saying, "what a shame, she had it so good. Going to drexel and all.." when they heard I was pregnant. FUCK ALL OF YOU and your NARROW MINDS. I'll graduate, YOU'LL ALL SEE. BITCHES.

But mostly, I'm doing this for me.

size: just a number, right?

So what the fuck does pre-pregnancy weight mean? Cause I'm TOTALLY confused.

I reached my pre-pregnancy weight at about 6 weeks after having Julia. So how come my clothes don't fit? I've always been really athletic.. averaging about 150 lbs throughout my teen years. Playing sports made me muscular and seem heavier, all while I actually looked like I weighed about 120 lbs. Whatever.. this is irrelevant.

Is it because my boobs are 2 sizes bigger?

Did I lose all my muscle.. and turn into 150lbs. of fat?

I don't look bigger than I was before. Maybe a little extra tummy, bigger boobies, bigger ass, and definitely wider hips.. but I still look the same. How did I manage to jump from a size 5 to a size 11, and still look pretty much the same? I'm so confused..

Should the term be changed and correctly stated as "pre-pregnancy SIZE?" Or better yet.. PRE-PREGNANCY CLOTHING SIZE?

Oh yeah, and who said carrying a baby needed bigger feet? WHY DONT MY SHOES FIT ANYMORE? Did I need bigger feet to balance me out and help carry the big belly?

I do like my big boobies. So does J. They bounce around like crazy when we have sex. WOO WOO! I would have much more like firm bigger boobies. I miss my cute little athletic frame. Oh well, I love my baby more than being athletically toned and skinny.

And while I'm on the subject.. having a baby had an impact on sex for me. Its different now. I feel like a mom. It sounds crazy.. but I don't feel like that crazy, careless, Laura anymore. Its not a bad thing.. and it doesnt mean our sex is bad (TOTALLY THE OPPOSITE).. I dont know. Maybe other young unmarried mommies can relate to me? Who knows..

this life game

i'm trying to figure out when i'll actually understand the things that people do.

my mom, for one. drinking is her favorite thing to do.. and dont get me wrong, i'm not downing the drinking.. i'm downing the fact that she barely ever goes to work anymore. Oh, and lets not forget to mention her insane alcoholism. shes on blood pressure medicine and xanex. youre not supposed to drink while on either of those. its one thing to take a couple xanex one night when youre out with your friends and do a little drinking, but you cannot practice this habit while taking a xanex prescription and working with being an alcoholic. she makes me so mad, only because i remember how great she used to be. i used to look at my mom and want to be just like her as a mother. she was always so fresh and pretty - and although she had the occasional bitchy moment, she was always the one to go to with a problem. she used to be a great mother. i dont know what she is now.

i ask her and ask her not to SMOKE around my 2 month old baby.. but yet, i still catch her doing it. her excuse being, "i did it with you guys and you all turned out fine." you're right mom.. but youre not the mom anymore. this is MY baby, and we're doing it my way.

i havent even mentioned the gossip yet. she doesnt like J. she never likes any guys. well, she says she doesnt like them, only to make you think otherwiise. she hates j, but she was caught grabbing his ass repeatedly last summer. yes, my mother. she talks so much shit to EVERYONE.. and each person gets something just a little scewed from the former. My Aunt, cousin, Dad, brothers.. its always the same bullshit baby gossip game. Is this the way it is going to be when my Julia gets older? I pray to God that I dont end up like my mother.
i guess i should say actually, i pray to God that i end up like my mother when she was still a mother.. minus all the shitty qualities and habits she has now.
Amen.